The Mass

 Yes , we have no insurance, we have no insurance today! This in itself keeps one from the Doctor, you learn to sort out the everyday cold or concern from those illnesses that require medication or immediate care. At least I thought that I had learned that, I was wrong.  Not having insurance may have played a roll in my waiting as long as I did to take Liz in . I truly believed it was related to the trampoline incident . If we had insurance , I have to ask myself would I have taken her in sooner, I might not have. I will never know, but I can say with certainty that it did play a role.

I  took my daguhter  Liz  to our local   community center  Bridge Clinic  in Wasuau, both of my girls there, my other daughter was having female issues. I did ask that the appointments be separate as I wanted to be in the room with them and their Dr. This is where  things began to unravel, this was just the beginning of ;my exposure to incompetency , lack of concern and a broken medical system which leaves our Americas at great peril due to risk of the fragmented   to a Nurse Practitioner, where a seasoned pediatrician was brought in to look at Lizs leg  leg. The strange curve in the back of her leg did not correct itself over the summer, in fact Liz complained that it hurt, I had wondered to myself what could they even do if this was a muscle that was overdeveloped? Physical therapy? I never suspected for a moment what would all shortly follow.The Dr. wanted an MRI as they were convinced that this was abnormal , it was termed a mass and I sensed the concern in the room, my heart beat and hands sweat. I was wrong! As soon as I heard the word mass , I knew that this was serious. They felt something in her leg that should not have been there.

They ordered an MRI that would have been nearly 20 days out, I was not comfortable with the time I had to wait, I was anxious and scared. If this was a mass, which meant it could be cancer , I thought don't we want to know right away. I had thought that time would be of the essence.   i called the other local choice that we have for medical care, the MRI was scheduled with Apsiurs , so I proceeded to call Marshfield Clinic where I learned that they were not so booked out for an MRI , I notified the nurse at Bridge and begged her to call the order in at Marshfiled Clinic, which she did and within days we had our appointment for the MRI.

It was a sunny warm fall day, the trees blew and hints of yellow and red began to radiate from the Mable trees. Liz and I were both apprehensive, she was confused. I told her we needed to find out what was wrong with her leg, what it might be. We  sat patiently in the small windowless room , she in her thin shabby gown holding me hand. She was concerned that she would have problems not moving. The technician that helped Liz was kind and told us that she would be able to listen to music and at any time she would be able to talk to someone with the mini microphone if she needed to . I waited in a small room watching a portable TV resting on a coffee table, each minute an eternity .

I was given an appointment with an orthopedic sports DR. immediately following the MRI to interpret the results for us. We would find out the same day what this thing inside liz was.   

When Liz came out we hugged, it was over... soon we would know. How wrong I was, I had no idea what was to happened to me , Liz and our family (extended and our circle of friends)  in the next few moments. This is one of the primary reasons why I am writing this blog(book) to inform all mothers or parents , to warn them. We need to have a plan for our children BEFORE a mass appears or we are sucked down the drain into the confusing abyss of Medical Science  in Pediatric  oncology .
How do we prepare?
We have escape plans for when a fire breaks out in our home, or we are becoming increasingly aware of  our changing weather and threats to our life and family with natural disasters   from hurricanes, tornadoes and floods . We design  plans, or at least know in the back of our mind what we would do, should do.  However who of us is prepared to learn that our beloved child has cancer?  I certainty know that I was unprepared, uneducated for what would all follow. the need to know is that everything, HAPPENS SO FAST!  decisions need to made, quickly. These decisions will effect the outcome for your child.
Hit by a Freight Train 
Once you are slammed with the freight train of fear, numbness settles in, and your ability to think clearly is compromised severely. I use the train wreak analogy because it was used or given to us by the Doctors at American Children Hospital in Madison  Wi, several times a Dr. made reference to the "Freight train that has hit us" . He was right, however I did not know that it was the Dr.'s and the system that were behind the wheel, pushing the accelerator down on the speed, avoiding the fork in the track and choosing instead to head straight for us, no breaks no whistle for warning.

"Sorry I cannot tell you it is not malignant"

We were instructed to go into the offices of Dr. Taylor, at Marshfield clinic Wausau Wi a sports orthopedic Dr.  He was a large jolly man, likable at first meeting. He took Liz and I into his office and told us point black that Liz "...had cancer". He told us that he would refer us to his "tumor Dr." we learned that the home town that we lived in did not provide any pediatric cancer treatment or Dr.s!  He wrote down a name Dr. Leggon whom we were instructed to see in Marshfiled Clicnic Marshfield Wi. Liz and I were numb. I did not even know what to ask him, so much information that was nothing short of shocking, my head was spinning.

"Dont worry she should not lose her leg!"

Several times Dr. Taylor said that the tumor Dr would help us. He chuckled when he informed us that a "radical " amputation would not be necessary . These words felt like I was shot with a laser gun of fear. "what she could lose her leg?" I thought. I prayed that Liz did not know what he was talking about. (thankfully she did not, this was just the beginning of a series of doctors who would , in front of Liz mention amputation ) 

When our short briefing was clearly over he stood up , we were both confused and found it hard to know what to do next. He pointed us toward the right hall, and gave us needed directions to get out of the clinic, we stood like deers struck paralyzed by the shine of bright lights, his last words to me were " Sorry I cannot tell you it is not malignant."  I knew what that meant. My daughter had cancer, malignant cancer. Liz and I looked at each other, she seemed to know the word cancer was not a good thing, she looked at me her eyes filled with tears , we held each other while we stumbled to the elevator door . I drove home in shock, numb cold ....terrified.  

My husband who works out of state building log homes Patriot log Home builders received a phone call where I simply said "lizzy has cancer" I could not say much more, I did not want to talk about. my lovely daughter Miranda was cooking something on the stove, she took one look at our faces and knew something was seriously wrong, I said "Liz has cancer" she broke down in heavy painful sobbing. dinner was grim. Yet I told Liz that we would get threw this one day at a time.  

That night began the first of a new level of sleep which I have still not recovered from. I dreamt of cancer, the word cancer would wake me up a different times during the night , my hands and feet were filled with perspiration . The next morning I awoke as if I had just run a mile, my heart was pounding rapidly in my chest, it hurt, I was frightened beyond comprehension.

The ground work was set in place for control. With raging fear, lack of knowledge and the profound love for my child I was flung into the maze of confusion , running for a way out, terrified . This mouse was at a great disadvantage however. I was not clam, with a clear task, find the cheese , find the wasy out, I was injected with horror , fear and nearly unstainbale terror that if I did not find the end, I could lose the life of my child.